Resume TipsA résumé, also known as curriculum vitae (CV), is a document containing a summary or listing of relevant job experience and education, usually for obtaining an interview when seeking employment. "Curriculum vitæ" is Latin meaning "course of life." Often the résumé or CV is the first item that a potential employer encounters regarding the job seeker, and therefore a large amount of importance is often ascribed to it. In other words, a curriculum vita is a marketing tool of a person seeking a job.
Most people underestimate the importance of a CV (resume). Many of us put off writing our CV until last moment and do an inadequate job. Others feel that they know it all and treat the job of writing a resume far too casually. Actually, you would be well advised to ensure that both your resume and covering letter are so well prepared that they stand out among a thousand others, not only in content but also in presentation. Any compromises at this stage and you may not be short listed for the interview.
CV - Crucial in getting an InterviewYour CV is your first communication with the perspective employer. It serves as personal advertisement for you and must therefore, be organized in such a manner to make it interesting, attractive, brief and informative. If you wish to be one of the few to be called for an interview, you must ensure your CV is distinct from the hundreds of other CVs of candidates who may be as experienced or as well qualified as you. There are some golden rules to be followed while preparing your CV -
Remember you are advertising about yourself. So, highlight your strong points and try to shield your weaknesses. The prospective employer will call you for an interview if your strengths are highlighted.
Shielding your weaknesses does not mean that you lie. No, do not indulge in misrepresentation of facts. It does not pay dividends.
Essential information including phone number (if possible, mobile) must be included.
Try to keep your CV as brief as possible. At the same time, it should include all vital information about you.
It should contain relevant information about the job, experience etc.
Make sure there are no grammatical errors in your CV. It leaves a bad impression. Moreover, your perspective employers do not have the time or the inclination to meet all the people who may be interested in an opening, that makes it more important that among the other thousands of CVs, yours must stand out; not only in contents but also by the way it is formatted.Essential Information must be mentioned
There are certain items which must be included in every CV. Other items may or may not be mentioned depending on whether they are relevant or not. The items which must be included are given below :Personal Information : Name, date of birth, marital status, language known, address, telephone number.
Educational Background : Institutions attended with years, marks obtained, qualifications, achievements, computer literacy.Employment History : Name of organisation( s), years, designation( s), responsibilities, achievements and training programme attended. Include any part time or summer employment if you do not have any full time experience.Stick to the Basic RulesStick to these proven guidelines for writing a CV : The term "Bio-data" is out. Curriculum Vitae (CV) has replaced it. Make sure that your CV is not longer than two pages. It should, at the same time, not be so short that your prospective employer does not know anything about you after going through it. It must be concise and should be informative.PresentationMake sure your CV looks good. Presentation is of utmost importance. You must :
Avoid spelling mistakes.
Use good quality paper.
Do not send curriculum vitae with spelling errors corrected by whitening fluid or by hand.
Use proper margins and spend time formatting it properly.
Send the printed laser outputs instead of photocopying. It may cost you more but it says a lot about you.Don't lie even if it is a small lie. Usually such lies are about achievements, grades and marks or summer projects. The personnel departments in most companies do take pains in verifying claims.ReferencesYou may include references at the end of your CV. These are names, addresses and phone numbers of two or three people who could vouch for your character, competence and commitment. Ideally, these should be people who have worked with you, or your college professors. Many job seekers starting out in their careers feel that important people's references will impress prospective employers. Nothing could be further from the truth. A big name will communicate that you are a name-dropper who gets by on his father's contacts rather than achievements. An experienced interviewer will be far more impressed with the references of people who know you professionally. In any case, your prospective employer will check with referees, so make sure you ask your referees' permission before putting their names in your CV.
Use one or at best not more than two typefaces while preparing your CV. If you are looking for visual relief and highlighting then you can use block capitals, italics, bold type, underlining, varying font sizes, or any combinations of these. Choose a font that is simple and easy to read. Do not go in for a fancy typeface. It will take away legibility of your CV.Don't leave gaps in your CV. If you have lost some years between your +2 and graduation or after your graduation, explain the gap.A final word : - Be honest in preparing and presenting your CV. Any manipulative presentations are bound to reflect back badly at some point in your career. Do not give any false information about your skills or experiences anywhere in you CV.
Monday, April 13, 2009
What is a proxy server?
A proxy server is computer that functions as an intermediary between a web browser (such as Internet Explorer) and the Internet. Proxy servers help improve web performance by storing a copy of frequently used webpages. When a browser requests a webpage stored in the proxy server's collection (its cache), it is provided by the proxy server, which is faster than going to the web. Proxy servers also help improve security by filtering out some web content and malicious software.
Proxy servers are used mostly by networks in organizations and companies. Typically, people connecting to the Internet from home will not use a proxy server.
Proxy servers are used mostly by networks in organizations and companies. Typically, people connecting to the Internet from home will not use a proxy server.
The difference between a resume, CV and bio-data
The difference between a resume, CV and bio-data
People use the words Resume, C.V., and Bio-data interchangeably for the document highlighting skills, education, and experience that a candidate submits when applying for a job. On the surface level, all the three mean the same. However, there are intricate differences.
"Resume" is a French word meaning "summary", and true to the word meaning, signifies a summary of one's employment, education, and other skills, used in applying for a new position. A resume seldom exceeds one side of an A4 sheet, and at the most two sides. They do not list out all the education and qualifications, but only highlight specific skills customized to target the job profile in question.
A resume is usually broken into bullets and written in the third person to appear objective and formal. A good resume starts with a brief Summary of Qualifications, followed by Areas of Strength or Industry Expertise in keywords, followed by Professional Experience in reverse chronological order. Focus is on the most recent experiences, and prior experiences summarized. The content aims at providing the reader a balance of responsibilities and accomplishments for each position. After Work experience come Professional Affiliations, Computer Skills, and Education
"Curriculum vitae" is a Latin word meaning "course of life". Curriculum Vitae (C.V.) is therefore a regular or particular course of study pertaining to education and life. A C.V. is more detailed than a resume, usually 2 to 3 pages, but can run even longer as per the requirement. A C.V. generally lists out every skills, jobs, degrees, and professional affiliations the applicant has acquired, usually in chronological order. A C.V. displays general talent rather than specific skills for any specific positions.
Bio-Data, the short form for Biographical Data, is the old-fashioned terminology for Resume or C.V. The emphasis in a bio data is on personal particulars like date of birth, religion, sex, race, nationality, residence, martial status, and the like. Next comes a chronological listing of education and experience. The things normally found in a resume, that is specific skills for the job in question comes last, and are seldom included. Bio-data also includes applications made in specified formats as required by the company.
A resume is ideally suited when applying for middle and senior level positions, where experience and specific skills rather than education is important. A C.V., on the other hand is the preferred option for fresh graduates, people looking for a career change, and those applying for academic positions. The term bio-data is mostly used in India while applying to government jobs, or when applying for research grants and other situations where one has to submit descriptive essays.
Resumes present a summary of highlights and allow the prospective employer to scan through the document visually or electronically, to see if your skills match their available positions. A good resume can do that very effectively, while a C.V. cannot. A bio-data could still perform this role, especially if the format happens to be the one recommended by the employer.
Personal information such as age, sex, religion and others, and hobbies are never mentioned in a resume. Many people include such particulars in the C.V. However, this is neither required nor considered in the US market. A Bio-data, on the other hand always include such personal particulars.
People use the words Resume, C.V., and Bio-data interchangeably for the document highlighting skills, education, and experience that a candidate submits when applying for a job. On the surface level, all the three mean the same. However, there are intricate differences.
"Resume" is a French word meaning "summary", and true to the word meaning, signifies a summary of one's employment, education, and other skills, used in applying for a new position. A resume seldom exceeds one side of an A4 sheet, and at the most two sides. They do not list out all the education and qualifications, but only highlight specific skills customized to target the job profile in question.
A resume is usually broken into bullets and written in the third person to appear objective and formal. A good resume starts with a brief Summary of Qualifications, followed by Areas of Strength or Industry Expertise in keywords, followed by Professional Experience in reverse chronological order. Focus is on the most recent experiences, and prior experiences summarized. The content aims at providing the reader a balance of responsibilities and accomplishments for each position. After Work experience come Professional Affiliations, Computer Skills, and Education
"Curriculum vitae" is a Latin word meaning "course of life". Curriculum Vitae (C.V.) is therefore a regular or particular course of study pertaining to education and life. A C.V. is more detailed than a resume, usually 2 to 3 pages, but can run even longer as per the requirement. A C.V. generally lists out every skills, jobs, degrees, and professional affiliations the applicant has acquired, usually in chronological order. A C.V. displays general talent rather than specific skills for any specific positions.
Bio-Data, the short form for Biographical Data, is the old-fashioned terminology for Resume or C.V. The emphasis in a bio data is on personal particulars like date of birth, religion, sex, race, nationality, residence, martial status, and the like. Next comes a chronological listing of education and experience. The things normally found in a resume, that is specific skills for the job in question comes last, and are seldom included. Bio-data also includes applications made in specified formats as required by the company.
A resume is ideally suited when applying for middle and senior level positions, where experience and specific skills rather than education is important. A C.V., on the other hand is the preferred option for fresh graduates, people looking for a career change, and those applying for academic positions. The term bio-data is mostly used in India while applying to government jobs, or when applying for research grants and other situations where one has to submit descriptive essays.
Resumes present a summary of highlights and allow the prospective employer to scan through the document visually or electronically, to see if your skills match their available positions. A good resume can do that very effectively, while a C.V. cannot. A bio-data could still perform this role, especially if the format happens to be the one recommended by the employer.
Personal information such as age, sex, religion and others, and hobbies are never mentioned in a resume. Many people include such particulars in the C.V. However, this is neither required nor considered in the US market. A Bio-data, on the other hand always include such personal particulars.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Bonsai Trees and Their Beauty
Bonsai TreesBonsai trees can be purchased easily, ranging in budget from affordable to several thousands of dollars for a perfectly formed and healthy bonsai tree. Because of the captured beauty in a bonsai tree, many people began growing their own.Here are some tips on how to grow a beautiful bonsai tree.1. Choosing the right pot is essential. You have to consider not only its sturdiness to support the little tree but it should also complement perfectly the kind of tree you want to grow. The size and shape of the pot in relation to the tree also matters.2. It pays to know the different seasons. As seasons change, so does bonsai trees. So, in order to grow a beautiful bonsai tree, choose the season wisely wherein your tree will grow better as there are some seasons where bonsai trees will need more attention.3. Visualise how your bonsai tree will mature over the years. You should have a mental picture of what your bonsai tree will look like before you manipulate its shape and branches.4. Wiring to give shape. This is more an advanced technique to shape and train your bonsai into beautiful shapes to give character. Wiring requires certain skill and is not recommended for beginners. Wrapping the wiring too close to each other will suffocate your bonsai and eventually kill it. Wrapping it too loosely will have no effect on your tree's shape. For those new to bonsai growing, wiring is not necessary, and you can still give your tree enough shape via simple pruning and trimming of branches.
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Natural Tips to live Young
Natural Tips to Delay aging Everyone wants to look young and trim. Though we cannot prevent ageing we can definitely delay ageing by making changes in our lifestyle. We must do everything we can, to prevent age related diseases and live a healthy and happy life. Here are some tips which will help you to remain young. Diet : Diet plays a very important role in helping us to remain young. We must have a balanced diet. We are what we eat. What we eat reflects on our skin and body. First develop a regular eating habit like eating at a proper time. Include lot of raw vegetables and fruits in your diet. Avoid junk food and fried food. Sugar makes you look older, so you can substitute sugar with honey and fruits. Include five servings of fruits and vegetables in your diet. Red, yellow, orange, fruits and vegetables and greens are
rich in antioxidants which helps us to delay aging. Green tea is rich in antioxidant and also strengthens our resistance against diseases. Include almonds, olive oil (use it as a cooking medium) fenugreek, in your diet as they are rich in antioxidants and helps to slow down the aging process. As we grow older, we must stick to simple and easily digestible food.One can observe fasting to detoxify oneself after consulting the doctor. People who eat a nutritious diet remain younger, tend to age slower, look trim, healthier and are more active than others. Yoga : The age old tradition of yoga is said to have emerged in India some 5000 yrs ago. It is one of the surest ways to age gracefully, if practiced regularly. It gives flexibility to the body, prevents age related diseases, improves immunity and slows aging of the skin, thereby helping us to remain young. In yoga, it is said that the more flexible the spine is, the more youthful the person is. Yoga improves the flexibility of the spine and increases the elasticity of our body. It gives a good figure, improves blood circulation, energizes you and helps you to remain young and fit. Not only does yoga has physical benefits but also psychological benefits. It improves our self confidence. Learn yoga only from a good, qualified yoga teacher. Pranayama (breathing techniques) is very beneficial to the body and the mind and it oxygenates our cells and helps us to remain young. Sleep : Good sound sleep not only rejuvenates our body but also strengthens our immunity to various diseases thereby helping us to remain young. Massage : It is skin which shows our age. So keep your skin hydrated and moisturized. Massage your skin with sweet almond oil or coconut oil once in a fortnight to delay aging. Massage helps us to feel relaxed and energizes us. It improves blood circulation and keeps your skin wrinkle free.
Do not massage when your stomach is full or when you are sick. Mental Health : Always keep yourself engaged. Read a book, do crossword puzzles, sudoku to keep your brain active. Enjoy friendships, foster good relationship with family members, learn a new hobby, maintain interest as these will help to reduce stress and make you feel happy
SUNITHA.
rich in antioxidants which helps us to delay aging. Green tea is rich in antioxidant and also strengthens our resistance against diseases. Include almonds, olive oil (use it as a cooking medium) fenugreek, in your diet as they are rich in antioxidants and helps to slow down the aging process. As we grow older, we must stick to simple and easily digestible food.One can observe fasting to detoxify oneself after consulting the doctor. People who eat a nutritious diet remain younger, tend to age slower, look trim, healthier and are more active than others. Yoga : The age old tradition of yoga is said to have emerged in India some 5000 yrs ago. It is one of the surest ways to age gracefully, if practiced regularly. It gives flexibility to the body, prevents age related diseases, improves immunity and slows aging of the skin, thereby helping us to remain young. In yoga, it is said that the more flexible the spine is, the more youthful the person is. Yoga improves the flexibility of the spine and increases the elasticity of our body. It gives a good figure, improves blood circulation, energizes you and helps you to remain young and fit. Not only does yoga has physical benefits but also psychological benefits. It improves our self confidence. Learn yoga only from a good, qualified yoga teacher. Pranayama (breathing techniques) is very beneficial to the body and the mind and it oxygenates our cells and helps us to remain young. Sleep : Good sound sleep not only rejuvenates our body but also strengthens our immunity to various diseases thereby helping us to remain young. Massage : It is skin which shows our age. So keep your skin hydrated and moisturized. Massage your skin with sweet almond oil or coconut oil once in a fortnight to delay aging. Massage helps us to feel relaxed and energizes us. It improves blood circulation and keeps your skin wrinkle free.
Do not massage when your stomach is full or when you are sick. Mental Health : Always keep yourself engaged. Read a book, do crossword puzzles, sudoku to keep your brain active. Enjoy friendships, foster good relationship with family members, learn a new hobby, maintain interest as these will help to reduce stress and make you feel happy
SUNITHA.
Some Good Jokes for you... Must Read and Forward
Some Good Jokes for you... Must Read and Forward..
Boy said to Girl- Aa mere dil me aajaGirl replied- Chappal utaroo kya?
Boy- Chal pagli ye koi mandir thode hi h aise hi aaja************ ********* ****
Girl- hamari shaadi ko 24 ghante ho chuke hboy- aur aisa lag raha h jaise kal ki hi baat ho************ ********* ****
BRAIN TUMOR:Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! ************ ********* ****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!************ ********* ****WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!************ ********* ****AT AN ATM MACHINE:Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!************ ********* ****
Marriage:Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.************ ********* ****CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.************ ********* ****DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louderFriend: what now?Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!************ ********* ****MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.************ ********* **** Spelling lesson:Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!************ ********* ****
teacher:what do you call person who cannot hear anything
studant:you can call him any thing,because he cannot hear anything.************ ********* ****mil gaya,oye hoye mil gaya, balle balle mil gaya, dhinchak dhincak koi mil gaya, apna sara kaam chhos kar fizool ka SMS parnewaala ek aur BEWAKUFF!! mil gaya.************ ********* **** why women live a better, longer & peacefull life?because women dont have a wife...************ ********* ****church ke gate par likha tha:jo paap kar k thak gaye wo meri sharan me aaye,ek callgirl ne niche apna mibile no. likh diya:aur jo nahi thake wo meri sharan me aaye..************ ********* **** ladkiya kadko k saamne aane k baad hi kyu apna dupatta thik karti haikyunki, lutero ko dekhne k baad hi apni dolat ki hifazat ka khayal aata hai..************ ********* ****ek gujju ka sapne me kisi ne rape kar diyanext day us ne apna bank account band karva diyakuonki, bank me likha tha: ham aap k sapno ko haqiqat me badal denge..************ ********* ****baap: beta mene tumhare liye ek ladki dhundhi haiwo roopvati, gunvati aur sarasvati hai..beta:lekin me kisi aur ladki se pyaar karta huaur wo GARBHVATI hai..************ ********* ****Old Man-"putar ander se mere daant le aa"Pota-"par dada ji abhi roti to bani nahi"Budda-- "o nahi putar roti nahi khani samne wali buddi nu smile deni a "************ ********* ****Child: Mom is bar hum sare patakhe is shop se lein gey,Mom : lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai,Child: Papa to kahte hain k sari phul-jhadiyan yahi rahti hain.************ ********* ****Ek ladke ko kya chahiye?Ek ladki jo pyar de,Ek ladki jo acha khana banaye,Ek ladki jo us ki khob khidmat kare,Aur ye teeno larkiyan mil jul kar rahain. :p************ ********* ****Husband apni wife ka janaza le jaa raha tha.Janaze k aage ek kutta aur peche aadmiyon ki lambi line thi,
Ek aadmi aakar pochta hai : bhai sahab ye sab kaise hua?Husband : is kutte ne kaat liya tha.Aadmi : ye kutta ek din k liye udhar main de do.Husband : peche line main lago. :p************ ********* ****TAKE A LOOK:Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer : "Ok."Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up untilthis point?"Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."************ ********* ****Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am stillgetting the same error message."Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"************ ********* ****Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."Customer : "What?"Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"Customer: "No..."************ ********* ****Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)************ ********* ****Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."Tech support : ?????************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"Customer : "Pentium."Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."Tech Support : ??????************ ********* ****Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need toprint document, but the computer won't boot properly."Tech Support : "What does it say?"Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."Tech support : ?????************ ********* ****Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open24 hours."Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."Tech Support : "Well?"Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****The best of the lotA plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report thathis computer is faulty.Tech: What's the problem?User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.Tech: (keep quite)Tech: You'll need a new power supply.User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startupand it will fix theproblem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.Tech support::10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but thereis an undocumented DOScommand that will fix the problem.User: I knew it!Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE . COM atthe end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.10 minutes later.User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?User : MS-DOS 6.22 .Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come withNOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give youthe file. Let me know how it goes.1 hour later.User : I need a new power supply.Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and hestarted asking questions about the make of power supply.Tech: Then what did he say?User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.************ ********* ****Hight Of all (Too Good)customer care officer: I need a product identification numberright now and may I help u infinding it out?Customer: sureCCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?************ ********* ****
Boy said to Girl- Aa mere dil me aajaGirl replied- Chappal utaroo kya?
Boy- Chal pagli ye koi mandir thode hi h aise hi aaja************ ********* ****
Girl- hamari shaadi ko 24 ghante ho chuke hboy- aur aisa lag raha h jaise kal ki hi baat ho************ ********* ****
BRAIN TUMOR:Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! ************ ********* ****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!************ ********* ****WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!************ ********* ****AT AN ATM MACHINE:Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!************ ********* ****
Marriage:Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.************ ********* ****CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.************ ********* ****DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louderFriend: what now?Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!************ ********* ****MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.************ ********* **** Spelling lesson:Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!************ ********* ****
teacher:what do you call person who cannot hear anything
studant:you can call him any thing,because he cannot hear anything.************ ********* ****mil gaya,oye hoye mil gaya, balle balle mil gaya, dhinchak dhincak koi mil gaya, apna sara kaam chhos kar fizool ka SMS parnewaala ek aur BEWAKUFF!! mil gaya.************ ********* **** why women live a better, longer & peacefull life?because women dont have a wife...************ ********* ****church ke gate par likha tha:jo paap kar k thak gaye wo meri sharan me aaye,ek callgirl ne niche apna mibile no. likh diya:aur jo nahi thake wo meri sharan me aaye..************ ********* **** ladkiya kadko k saamne aane k baad hi kyu apna dupatta thik karti haikyunki, lutero ko dekhne k baad hi apni dolat ki hifazat ka khayal aata hai..************ ********* ****ek gujju ka sapne me kisi ne rape kar diyanext day us ne apna bank account band karva diyakuonki, bank me likha tha: ham aap k sapno ko haqiqat me badal denge..************ ********* ****baap: beta mene tumhare liye ek ladki dhundhi haiwo roopvati, gunvati aur sarasvati hai..beta:lekin me kisi aur ladki se pyaar karta huaur wo GARBHVATI hai..************ ********* ****Old Man-"putar ander se mere daant le aa"Pota-"par dada ji abhi roti to bani nahi"Budda-- "o nahi putar roti nahi khani samne wali buddi nu smile deni a "************ ********* ****Child: Mom is bar hum sare patakhe is shop se lein gey,Mom : lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai,Child: Papa to kahte hain k sari phul-jhadiyan yahi rahti hain.************ ********* ****Ek ladke ko kya chahiye?Ek ladki jo pyar de,Ek ladki jo acha khana banaye,Ek ladki jo us ki khob khidmat kare,Aur ye teeno larkiyan mil jul kar rahain. :p************ ********* ****Husband apni wife ka janaza le jaa raha tha.Janaze k aage ek kutta aur peche aadmiyon ki lambi line thi,
Ek aadmi aakar pochta hai : bhai sahab ye sab kaise hua?Husband : is kutte ne kaat liya tha.Aadmi : ye kutta ek din k liye udhar main de do.Husband : peche line main lago. :p************ ********* ****TAKE A LOOK:Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer : "Ok."Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up untilthis point?"Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."************ ********* ****Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am stillgetting the same error message."Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"************ ********* ****Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."Customer : "What?"Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"Customer: "No..."************ ********* ****Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)************ ********* ****Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."Tech support : ?????************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"Customer : "Pentium."Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."Tech Support : ??????************ ********* ****Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need toprint document, but the computer won't boot properly."Tech Support : "What does it say?"Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."Tech support : ?????************ ********* ****Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open24 hours."Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"************ ********* ****Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."Tech Support : "Well?"Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"Tech support : ??????************ ********* ****The best of the lotA plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report thathis computer is faulty.Tech: What's the problem?User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.Tech: (keep quite)Tech: You'll need a new power supply.User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startupand it will fix theproblem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.Tech support::10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but thereis an undocumented DOScommand that will fix the problem.User: I knew it!Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE . COM atthe end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.10 minutes later.User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?User : MS-DOS 6.22 .Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come withNOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give youthe file. Let me know how it goes.1 hour later.User : I need a new power supply.Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and hestarted asking questions about the make of power supply.Tech: Then what did he say?User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.************ ********* ****Hight Of all (Too Good)customer care officer: I need a product identification numberright now and may I help u infinding it out?Customer: sureCCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?************ ********* ****
Beaware of new Devices !
Information Security Education and Awareness Remember to check before using computer at an unknown place
Information: New storing device fits at the end of the keyboard cable connecting to the PC specialized to save all typed keys. Mostly could be used in net cafes, exhibitions, hotels and airports therefore be careful especially the people who use the internet in these places to enter their bank accounts online or any other important sites. After you enter the bank account and leave the PC it will be easy to open your account again as all what you have typed has been saved in the Black device. Therefore, you should check the PC for any suspicious piece behind it before using the net in public places for important sites.
Please send it to all who you know to educate them against this fraudInformation: New storing device fits at the end of the keyboard cable connecting to the PC specialized to save all typed keys. Mostly could be used in net cafes, exhibitions, hotels and airports therefore be careful especially the people who use the internet in these places to enter their bank accounts online or any other important sites. After you enter the bank account and leave the PC it will be easy to open your account again as all what you have typed has been saved in the Black device. Therefore, you should check the PC for any suspicious piece behind it before using the net in public places for important sites.
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