BEAUTIFULL JOKES

BEAUTIFULL JOKES

Thunder Storm
A husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
He thinks: She must have reached there.
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Legal & Logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal but not logical.
Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical".
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Team India Cricket
Judge asks a little girl: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
Girl: No, my mummy beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Girl: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Girl: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!

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Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight.
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Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
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Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
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Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August..
Student:A holiday
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Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
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Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? "
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
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Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
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PAKISTANI MATHS QUESTION PAPER
Instructions:
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group.
iii)AK-47's and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
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Math Exam Time 3 hours Full Marks 100
All questions are compulsory.
1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.
2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, heroin and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.
3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.
4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepers in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.
5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher,50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training. One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ ,grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500$. The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % a recourt-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.
6. If stability of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.
7. Probability of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probability of a Military general to be shot is 80% . Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.
8) Find out geometrically the area of Pakistan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Pakistan is taken as a heptagon.
9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight. Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases: k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.
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Duty is duty
A man saw two workers. One of them dig a hole, and the other guy immediately fill it with soil again. They repeated the work again and again.
The man could'nt understand their job. He asked them about it.
Worker replied, "The third guy who plants the trees is on leave today."
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Life Insurance
Three life insurance salesmen of different companies were having a chat.
First: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours.
Second: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.
Third: Thats nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!
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Communication
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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Arguing about the sign
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!? !"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
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Crossing the border
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
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Touring South Africa
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
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To get to Heaven
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter.
St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven.
He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?"
The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through.
He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?"
Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!".
St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
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Artificial Limb
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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Sweets
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by the child's kindness. "There you are, my dear, but, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets!"
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Beauty
Wife:Yesterday I had seen one of the most beautiful women in my life.
Husband:So what?
Wife:She was so beautiful that I could'nt turn my eyes away for quite a long time.
Husband:Afterwards!
Wife:How long could I watch her.So I got up and walked away from the mirror.
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To Make Sure
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
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"Only in America!"
What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm. ... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Exchange
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Obedient
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
'Who is the most obedient?' he asked. 'Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?'
Five small voices answered in unison. 'You do, Daddy!'
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Read and Write
Mother : 'What are you writing Ram?'
Ram : 'I'm writing a Letter to Baby Sham'
Mother : 'But you don't know to write!'
Ram : 'So What?, Anyway Sham don't know to read, That's why'.
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Joining Sentences
During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.
Teacher:Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.
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Pairs
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you're wearing, one is green and the other is blue with red spots !!
PAPPU: Yes, its really strange. I have got another pair just like that at home.
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Could I play piano?

Patient:"When my fingers heal, will I be able to play the piano?"
Doctor:"Of course"
Patient:"Great! I never could before!"
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"Demands"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour
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Accident
Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!
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Court Room Jokes
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us.
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The Blonde Cop
A blonde police officer stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The driver searches around in her handbag but cant find it. She says to the cop, I must have left it at home officer.
The cop says, Well, do you have any kind of identification? The motorist searches around in her bag again, and finds a mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, All I have is this picture of myself. The cop says, Let me see it, then.
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies,
Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldnt have even pulled you over. You are free to go.
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Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ?till I get there
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Exercise
Boarding from what gate? At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
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Misused E-mail
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
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Handshake
Hobby:Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
Bobby:It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Long Life
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
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Same Dog
Teacher: Robin, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?
Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!
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Psychiatrist
Man: Doctor, I don't remember anything, sometimes on road I even forget if I am going to office from home or going back to home from office.
Psychiatrist: In such a condition, you should check your tiffin. If it is empty then you are going to home, if it is full, you are going to office.
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Fight at Bar
Santa: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him a drink.
Santa again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender again gives him a drink.
Santa again asks for a drink as the fight is about to start.
Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?
Santa: When you ask for money.
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Army Man
A man joined army and was given a gun.
Man asked: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle, towards myself or to the opposite side.
Army Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will benefit the nation.
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Love
Girl: I can't marry you. I am one year elder to you.
Boy: Don't worry, I love you so much that I can wait for one year.
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Slap
Q. Why did woman cricketer slap commentator ?
A. Because commentator said: She is ready for next delivery.
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Annoyed Husband
Annoyed Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why three?
Annoyed Husband: For you and your parents.
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Test
Two little kids Ram and Sam were sitting inside a hospital.
Ram was crying loudly.
Sam asked "Why".
Ram: I came here for blood test. During that they will cut my finger.
Hearing this Sam started crying even louder.
Ram asked "Why"
Sam: I have come for my urine test.
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Beautiful Wife
Sharma and Verma were searching for their lost wife in a carnival.
Sharma: How does your wife look like?
Verma: She is 5'7", 36-24-36, fair, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
Sharma: Forget mine, let us look for yours
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Old Wife
Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me compliment?
Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent !
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Missing
Russian's donkey went missing. Russian was praying and thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; Why are thanking God?"
Russian: I am thanking Him because I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.
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Miser Bania
Rich man needed blood for his heart surgery.
He got it from a poor Bania.
Rich man gave him 5 million dollars.
Once again the Rich man needed blood for surgery.
Bania was more than happy to donated blood again.
This time, Rich man just gave him a Cadburies Chocolate.
Bania asked the reason.
Rich man: Now I also have Bania blood in my body
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Elephant
FRIP: When my father was in America, he chased elephants on horseback.
FRAP: Gee, I didn't know elephants could ride horses.
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Six Fingers
"Bet I can lift an elephant with six fingers."
"Prove it."
"Show me an elephant with six fingers and I'll be glad to lift it.
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Six Fingers
"Bet I can lift an elephant with six fingers."
"Prove it."
"Show me an elephant with six fingers and I'll be glad to lift it.
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Bus Number
A father took his son to Zoo and showed him the tigers.
"Son,"said the father,"if one of those tigers got out of its cage, it would tear me in two."
"If he does get out," replied the son, "what's the number of the bus I should take home?"
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Cold
DIT: My doctor told me to take something good for cold.
DOT: What did you take?
DIT: I took his coat.
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Tarzan
Little Brother: I'm tougher than Tarzan.
Older Brother: What makes you tougher?
Little Brother: I can beat my chest without screaming.
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Lease Agreement
A woman walked into a pet shop and told the owner she needed two large rats and a dozen cockroaches.
"What do you need them for?"
"Because," said the woman, "I'm moving and my lease says that when I move I must leave the apartment in the same condition as I found it."
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Love
Two Lovers love so much that they plan to do Suicide.
Boy jumped first.
Girl closed her eyes, and returned back saying Love is Blind.
The Boy, in mid-air opened his parachute saying Love never Dies.
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Suicide
Mallu was going to a railway line to commit suicide. He was carrying a tiffin with him.
Porter asked: WHY ?
Mallu replied: If the train gets late, will I remain hungry ?
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Fast Reflex
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, an attendent came running and shouted:
"Ballu, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident".
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped from his office window in panic to go as-early-as- possible.
While coming down when he was near tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Ballu.